Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
