Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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