life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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