i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
