Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
