I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
