i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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