I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Rumble strips road head = magical
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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