Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
