I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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