i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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