I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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