moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
