Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
