My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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