i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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