Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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