I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
