I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
