Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
