I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
