My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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