final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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