Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
