$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
