defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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