The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
