It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
