i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
