to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Randomize
