also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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