Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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