if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
