im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
