dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
