my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
