Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
