Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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