got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
