Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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