He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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