Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
