you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
