If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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