chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
