just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
