Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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