my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
