To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sext me about skeletons
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
