You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
