My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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