Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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