My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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